


Roman

by sevenstevearmy



Series: Dear Diary [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:53:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24046957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevenstevearmy/pseuds/sevenstevearmy
Summary: So that last video, huh? Let's write a Roman arc.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders
Series: Dear Diary [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1734643
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	1. Day 1

Dear Diary,  
Today I made a mistake. I don't know if I can fix it, or if I even have the right to ask for forgiveness. Deceit was open with us, something that I know is hard, and I broke that trust immediately. I should have known better. I should have done better. My first attempts to be kind were frowned upon, so I thought that he was to remain the villain, but today, he wasn't. I was. Patton said it was wrong to listen to him, and I always listen to Patton. He knows what's right and wrong, he's Morality! But today he didn't know, and I was following so closely that when he stumbled I tripped and fell low. But that shouldn't have happened. It's not a Prince's job to follow. The hero does what is right regardless of what others say or think. I should have stuck with my attempt to give Deceit… Janus, a seat at the table. Is it even right for me to use his name? Do I deserve to be able to after what I've done? I don't think I could ever make up for this. I must live with what I've done and try to correct it even if I never get anything in return. I owe the others that, I owe Thomas that, I owe Janus that. Until I can look the others in the eye, until I can be Thomas’s hero again, I rescind my crown. First I suppose I should take steps to ensure this doesn't happen again and to do that I must reflect on why it happened at all. 

I was too reliant on Patton and didn't hold my ground.  
I was confused about what was right and wrong because I chose to follow others instead of finding it out on my own.  
Instead of reflecting, I lashed out when I should have been kind.  
I was naive and ignorant and by all accounts chose that myself.  
I was insecure and instead of voicing my feelings I let them take hold of me. I don't know that I can share them now with what I have done, I don't want to give excuses, but I can at least attempt to take back the reins and control my emotions before they control me. 

I cannot trust myself to do what's best for Thomas anymore. I caused more harm in a single moment than my brother ever has. I may have to relinquish creative control to him. Deceit, no, Janus, has always been good at keeping him in line, and though Patton's foundation is shaky at the moment, I still trust he can filter out the less desirable ideas. Logan will be good at that too. I'm really not needed, am I? Just as I had always suspected, I serve no purpose but to cause problems and do the wrong thing. They won't need me again, and I can't face them until I can do better, so I may as well duck out, or would that just make more problems like when Virgil did. Not to say that he's a problem of course, only that he felt it was necessary when it wasn't, yet again because of me. Maybe I could stay in the Imagination for a while. I can let Remus know he's in charge of creation now. I can make anything he needs me to and he can present it to the others. I don't know how well that will go, though. He always was fond of Janus and after what I did… well I wouldn't want to see me for any reason either. Don't worry, though, I'll still take you with me to record my progress and see how everything goes. I hope that one day I can return. For now, I'll pack a few things and work to improve myself and try to find some way to apologize, not that I expect to be forgiven. First I will go to the castle… or maybe I should build a hut in the woods. I hardly deserve to be living in luxury. Next I will speak to Remus, or maybe send a messenger bird with my decision and how to find me if needed. Then I will start making a plan. I can't just say I'm sorry. I can't allow this to happen again. I need to be able to prove that I have changed for the better. I guess I should stop procrastinating. Good bye for now. You are my last friend, and I promise to be loyal to you. I'll see you once I've built my house. 

Dear Diary,  
I've got my house, er, hut, in order. It was a bit harder than expected, but it will serve. It should keep out the weather at least. Logan always said exposure is one of the most dangerous things if you get lost in the wild. I brought a couple blankets and some clothes and I've set up by a stream. I suppose I should scavenge some food and then find a bird to send to Remus. I'm not really looking forward to that, but I have to be stronger, someone who can face unpleasant things without wavering in resolve. So I'll do it anyway, even though I know I could live out the rest of my days here undisturbed by anyone. Maybe I'm more scared of being alone forever than whatever wrath Remus might bring. 

Dear Diary,  
Remus showed up and the first thing he did was hit me over the head with his morningstar. He then waited for me to regain consciousness before going off on me. I deserved every second of it and I told him so. I answered his questions about my plan. I think he's scared to be in charge of creativity, but he's never done it before so that's natural. I made sure to tell him about the others' sensitivities as well as the best ways to show care for them. I told him to make sure that Logan gets to speak and that Patton will be especially fragile right now. Virgil doesn't do well with change so he should ease into it and try not to be so abrupt and he should make sure Virgil knows his feelings are valid. Also avoid the ‘p’ word. I told him to make sure the others treat Janus well and I think he was about to strangle me after that. I explained everything and he looked like he still wanted to strangle me but had significantly more restraint. Maybe I should have let him. I should get some sleep. I've had a long day. I feel like I should have achieved more but I can't bring myself to move.


	2. Day 2

Dear Diary,   
Today I'm going to get familiar with the area around me so I don't accidentally walk off a cliff, no matter how tempting that may be. I'll gather some food as well. I am quite the outdoorsman. I guess that's one thing I'm confident about. 

Dear Diary,   
I was stung by seven bees and fell into a giant mud pit. That's what I get for being confident. I guess there's a lot of things I have to learn. Logan would know all about this stuff. Maybe when I get back he can help me with a survival story. I always felt so threatened by his presence. I thought we were opposites and nothing I did could ever be good enough for him. With every idea of mine he shot down and every one of his own he thought of I feared being replaced, becoming irrelevant and unuseful. Worst of all I was afraid of being wrong, and with every word he spoke I feared it would be revealed, because he was always right. Well, not always, but for all intents and purposes so long as it wasn't emotional, he was right. 

Dear Diary,  
I find myself lying awake wondering if this was the correct decision. I felt so strongly yesterday and even this morning, but as the wind shakes my new home and water drips from the ceiling, I wonder if maybe I’m not just being dramatic. No, I can’t give up just because things are hard. I’ll fix up the roof and steady the walls tomorrow. It would not be well-to-do to go back without having fixed the problem best I can from my end. I should try to get some rest now. Good night.


	3. Day 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Day 12 wild af so read the other Day 12's too!

Dear Diary,  
I felt them try to call me for the first time today. I didn't think they would. I let Remus take my place and the first reaction was all of them trying to summon me at once. It's hard to resist and keep myself here, especially when Thomas calls, but it was over soon enough. 

Dear Diary,   
Remus came by to tell me what's been happening. He said the others are worried so I told him they shouldn't because he can take care of the creativity now so nothing bad will happen to Thomas. He said that wasn't the point but didn't explain further. I think it's another thing I'm supposed to know and don't. I just hope he keeps his promise and doesn't tell the others how to find me. I guess there's also something going on with Logan, another area in which I hold blame. He hasn't spoken to anyone at all since the day of the incident. I wonder what he would have to say about these flowers I found. He always knew so many things and while I was usually too self centered to listen, I did enjoy his rants from time to time. I should be better about that too if they'll have me back. It's been a while since I've seen Virgil. After he told Thomas he used to be with Deceit and Remus he made himself scarce. Once again, partially my fault. I'm the one who introduced them as the dark sides, mostly because of my stupid misguided feelings towards Remus. I wonder how Virgil is doing with them hanging around. I know something happened between them before, but I don't know what. None of them would ever tell me, and they definitely won't now.


End file.
